Get Well-er Soon

To the (hypothetical) readers: My esteemed collaborator is gone to take care of himself and will return in roughly 72 hours, if all goes well. The following is my get-well-soon wishes.

To CV:

Hey, you. (I feel like we may end up saying that quite a lot by the end of this project...)

I realize you may not get this for a while. All I wanted to say is that I hope you're doing alright (and if I know you--which I do--you're probably being all stoic about this) and that you don't have to worry about anything. Call me whenever you can/feel like it, and we'll talk about whatever you're in the mood for. I'm doing okay, personally, just kickin' it with friends and the like. I have felt the urge to call you several times today, though, only to release my phone in a sort of awkward manner. Le sigh.

Point is, take care of yourself and I will see you very soon, and hopefully you'll be feeling better than ever. And if you're happier, I'm happier. That's how this friend thing works.

I wish I had more to say, but it's been a long, excessively hot day, and I just exhausted what little (seriously little) creative energy I had experimenting with my tablet, as per your suggestion. So here I give you my attempt at a drawing to cheer you up. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

E3-,
Kelly

Hard Hat Area

Hey, you.

The first thing you'll notice about this letter is that I replaced our header with a picture. I can't scale it right for the life of me (or even round the edges, which I'd like), so I was hoping you could take your drawing tablet and fix it up a bit... remind me later to email you a copy of the picture. I'm contemplating just trying to replace the background of the E3- with transparency (which I should have done in the first place, provided blogger takes .pngs) but that would require starting over from scratch since I didn't save old drafts. Silly me.

I also changed the name of the blog to the Wheel of Fortune Before & After delight that is "Open Letter Surgery." I hope you like it. If not, the preferences of this blog are as open to you as they are to me.

I'd also like to get the blog spruced up a bit, maybe add a widget or two. Therefore, I propose that with your next letter you make one improvement to our layout. If you can find a decent way to play some Wolf Parade in the background, that would be IDEAL.

Anyways, on with the letter, starting with replies to your last message!
I do like that we cover all avenues of communication. Yes, we talk a lot. That is no reason to not write letters. That's how blogs work-- most blogs are only read by your friends who know everything you're saying there anyway.

Except for this one!
I'd like to welcome Mike, who is the only person I know besides us reading this blog. He fora-stalked his way over here from Echochamber, and although I'm not sure if he's still reading this, I'm gonna give him a shoutout anyway.

That being said, very few people know the story behind the URL of our blog except for us. I do like that little secret, obsolete though it may be.

217 isn't a location. It's a state of being.

Furthermore, you ARE Alarmingly Adorable. (in bed! hur hur hur.[sic]) We were discussing what we like about each other, and as much as I'm a raging manly-man whose pale charms are enough to start a small national holiday without a shirt, you are cute. Actually, you're cuter than that, because I don't think Obama would give me a holiday, since he's not into dudes. Point being, you could probably cripple a man (or even woman) whose nickname was Bull Elephant by using your cuteness attack. (wikilinked because I couldn't believe with my own eyes that there is a wiki page on cuteness.)
I am prepared to do a mathematical proof of your cuteness on request.

I also realize we've been too harsh on NPLs. They can be tolerated, although PHs (Pineapple Haters) should be burned at the stake. Or at the steak. Nothing compliments a pineapple like a nice teriyaki-marinated steak.

I am glad you approve of my definition of Qanothersznxtfd. We still need to figure out a way to pronounce that so we can use it in casual conversation, since, as you agree, it is a familiar concept. I still remember you telling me about that movie with the Mexican midget, even if you don't.

On that topic, I'd like to propose a new word that has arisen from us cheating at Scrabble: Joarr. I am unsure what the definition should be. The only one that comes to mind is "Colloquial shortening of what you shout when you're driving to a Journey concert in a VW van. Full version: JJOOOORRRRNEEEEYYYYYY."

Your Peach Upside-Down Cake is one of the top ten things I look forward to about hanging out with you when I move. My mouth waters with the utmost frevor when I think about it. The only improvisation I have used is when making a recipie for a coffee additive that mostly consists of microwaved marshmallows. I still swear by it.

Regarding Bumbershoot: Take me there. (ALL NIGHT LONG![sic]) I would do anything to go there. Just about anything, really.


Anyways, this letter has gotten quite long. I don't have that much more to add at this point, besides my declaration of a Scrabble throwdown. (this letter will be continued in my next one.) Besides, I have to wrap up this letter so I can call you again.

E3-,
Chris

LATENESS

Hey, you. I apologize like a thousand times for my lateness. Busy busy times lately, as you know.

So, I am very tired today. I got little sleep due to my early awakening via phone call... as well as my getting to bed late, via different phone call (yours). We've spent the last short while discussing what we like about each other, which is pretty great. Another thing I like about us is that we can do things like this: write letters to each other, despite our extremely frequent communication with each other.

To wit: I would prefer you find my rage against NPLs more adorable than alarming. Because, you know, I'd prefer to be considered adorable. Potentially alarmingly adorable, but not the other way around. I am also glad to see you agree with my thoughts on Serious Capitalization. It's a good way to get the Point Across without bothering with stuff like bold or italics.

You've made me miss Paper Towns. I've only read it once, and now that you have (and much more recently) I'm kind of thinking of re-reading it. I was planning on reading Harry Potter 6 again before I see the movie (whenever that might happen). I know you've already seen it, so you are just ahead of me in every way! (I almost tossed in an ":p" there, but it seemed a tad too informal).

I think I actually prefer your definition of Qanothersznxtfd. That is now the standard explanation. "Intimately familiar" indeed! The word may be somewhat ridiculously long, but it's nothing compared to the lengthy definition! So I guess that means it's overall pretty efficient. I'm still pretty fond of "defenestration" though, not gonna lie.

I would give the news of the day, but there really isn't any. I've hung about in IRC and I baked peach upside-down cake. And that is quite literally all. Oh, except I wrote a happy-birthday PM. That is the extent of my usefulness today. I am such a great contributor to humanity... Eh, I bet Gandhi had off days too. Wow, that's the second Gandhi reference I've made in two days. I'm odd.

So, I told you I wouldn't pester you about Bumbershoot anymore, and I'll do my best not to. I just think that would be pretty awesome. I'll be quiet about it now. Promise. BUT BUT TELEKINESIS COME ON THAT WOULD BE AMAZING.

...Okay. Seriously done now. Really.

Anyway, that's all from me. I apologize once more for the lateness. I guess epic four-day concert roadtrips are kind of distracting. You can't really blame me, I hope. I will be more prompt in future.

E3-,
Kelly

Panhandling, etc.

Kelly,

Hey, you. I too apologize for the late post. As you clearly have experience with, it's easier to forget about letter writing when it's your turn to write. I would use a tongue-sticking-out emoticon, but I feel that is inappropriate in formal letters such as this (rather than IMs and texts). I also am sorry for the crazy/sad you have been experiencing of late -- at least this weekend will help you feel better!

First, your thoughts:
I'm not sure whether I should find he way you got so indignant about the closed-mindedness of non-pineapple lovers (or NPLs for short) adorable, terrifying, hilarious, or a sick cocktail of the three mixed by an expert Latino bartender with a goatee and a bowtie, who earns his tips by throwing drink shakers in the air with the proficiency of a juggling clown on stilts, and one of his ingredients is impressive rants, which is how he made that cocktail in the first place. However, i do agree that Imposing Capitalization is a Serious Issue which warrants its own Capital Letters.

I am, at this point, reminded of Paper Towns, in which the story's catalyst capitalizes the first letters of random words because proper capitalization laws are "unfair to the words in the middle." The personification of words is a dangerous practice which makes Scrabble experts such as ourselves feel like Dr. Frankenstein. On such a note, we should treat our scrabble words like human beings next time we play.

On the topic of Qanothersznxtfd, my preposal for an alternate definition is one with which we are intimately familiar: "When sleeping in the same room as someone, dreaming you are having a conversation with them so that you don't notice waking up, thereby introducing your conversational partner to the middle of a seemingly random sentence and confusing the hell out of both of you." It's a techincal definition that needs to be shortened, but I'm no dictionary editor. We do need a word for that scenario anyway.

I understand you've been sick for a few days, and am glad to hear that you are feeling better. Incidentally, I love how we can reference conversations we have with each other in letters we write to each other. It's like double communication.


The news of the day, then!

Ian and I went to the mall today, which has a Del Taco, the fineset fast food taco establishment ever established for fast food tacos. We did not have any money, so we mostly just went around the mall chatting and looking at stuff and sitting in Luv Sacs. However, we eventually became determined to get tacos, and went around asking random people if they would give us a dollar for tacos. We even went into a Hollister looking for taco money, and it's dark and dank and scary... it's like if the Mines of Moria were an overpriced clothing store that made men and women alike feel insecure.
Eventually, however, we did get our tacos. And it was satisfying.

We also got free food because it was Thursday, and during the summer there are food booths and free live music every Thursday at the mall. When you come here, make sure one of the days you spend here is a Thurz.

That's most of my thoughts for the day, and I look forward to your next letter, even though said letter probably won't arrive until Tuesday, sadface.

E3-,
Chris

Never Seemed So Strange

Chris,

Hey you. This... is a very late post. I am sorry about that. Although, as you know, things have been a little bit crazy/sad for me lately, so I'm doing the best I can.

I am really glad that we share similar thoughts on the Pineapple Issue. I think it's worthy of the Imposing Capitalization Of The First Letters, don't you? It is a legit issue. I'm just not sure if I can be comfortable around people who aren't open-minded enough to embrace pineapple. I mean, what does it matter to you if pineapple and pizza want to be in a relationship? How is that any less valid or important than your close-minded heteronormative pepperoni-pizza couples, huh? Huh?

Er. No idea what that was about. Or why I wiki-linked all of those words. Let's not worry about that right now. Moving on!

On the matter of Qanothersznxtfd, our dazzling 446-point word in Scrabble, I'm kind of inclined to define it as "the state of talking to someone with the same name as you and getting somewhat confused as to which one you actually are". Alternative definitions welcome, though. After all, "run" means quite a few things, I'm sure we can manage at least one or two more for "Qanothersznxtfd", which is far more badass a word. (The word for putting a word inside another (like absofreakinglutely, my personal favorite) is tmesis, by the way).

So, I think I am still a little bit sick, and that is just a really unwelcome addition to the slowly growing mountain of sad things. I am all kinds of blahhhh today, and for that I am sorry. Hopefully the letter's not too terrible as a result... I'm also amused to find that almost all of my Zemanta pictures are of Scrabble, with one of pizza and one of the Beatles. I don't know how the Beatles got in there, but hey, I'm cool with it.

And with that, I bid you adieu.

E3-,
Kelly

July, July (ninth)

Kelly,

Hey, you! I wrote this entire letter, and then blogspot deleted it when I tried to post the first time. So now I'm starting over.

Pineapple is the greatest thing to happen to pizza since the Vulcans came to Earth and shared the secret of cheese with nomadic hunter-gatherers back in 1500 B.C.E. (These hunter-gatherers always hand-tossed their pizza crust.) Of course, there's no saying pineapple didn't also come from space. Maybe they were a sentient race that tried to colonize Earth back in prehistoric times, but ended up adapting to the environment by becoming fruit. There is no way to tell without a non-paradox-causing time machine.
Maybe pineapples were created by something from space, too. The thing that turned our gray, rocky Carbon into green, leafy, juicy, delicious pineapple plants may have come from asteroids, or maybe another dimension. Oh, I wonder if Heaven is actually the 7th Dimension. That would be really cool. It would also make Michelangelo's paintings even cooler than they already are. Renaissance-era religion? Try FREAKING SCIENCE FICTION!!!

I feel kind of bad for using the triple exclamation point there. As you know, I am morally opposed to repeating or mixing question marks or exclamation points. They were made for emphasis, there is no reason to emphasize them. You may recall that sign posted outside your dorm:
FLOOR HAS BEEN WAXED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It could probably be improved by removing some or even all of those exclamation points. For example,
Floor has been waxed. Do not walk on the floor until 12:30.
The sign was posted on your doorknob. If that positioning wasn't going to get our attention, how are a few dozen pieces of punctuation going to help its chances?

I am all for new words. You have already observed my perspicacious use of perspicacious, and I'll be sure to try to work avocation into my writing too. However, I have a Word of the Day for you, too: Qanothersznxtfd. This isn't a word, just yet, but as you know it is worth 446 points in Scrabble, so we should use it as often as possible until it becomes common enough to work into the official Scrabble dictionary. I'm not sure what its definition is, but words are your avocation, not mine, so you should help me think of what it means. It should have something to do with "Another", which is inside it.
That reminds me, you actually know the word for that effect -- when you put one word inside another word. I can't remember that word, so I hereby request you reenlighten me.

For what it's worth, I am glad your hair is not a parasite. It does seem to contribute greatly to your abillity to fight predators and attract a mate. I know that I, at least, quite like it. And everyone has quirks, which make us interesting. I am quite happy to know all of the quirks of yours that I do.

Zemanta has provided "relevant" images for me. Eight of them are of pizza, one of them is of Supergirl's first appearance in Superman comic books. I have no idea how the hell that is relevant, so maybe we should discuss backstory of why that is there.

hehehe, I mention Supergirl, and now half of my images are of her.

E3-,
Chris

July 8

Dear Chris,

Hey, you. I must say I've never really dealt with this issue in Italian restaurants. I usually go for some kind of pasta (not spaghetti, that's cheating) because I like it and because I also feel that getting pizza is kind of lame. I've never even realized you could order mac and cheese at Italian places... I do, however, concede that pizza is rather hard to make. I've also done it myself, in cooking class, of all places. I bet that's something you didn't know about me: I took a cooking class in high school, and made remarkably good pizza. Though, I'll admit that my accomplice in this task actually worked as a pizza maker and thus it was not too difficult. He also happened to share my penchant for pineapple, pleasingly. (A little too much alliteration?)

Anyway. I also prefer American pizza to its Italian counterpart. Call me dull, I don't care. I think nice soft crust and pineapple is about as good as it gets. Except for that one time at Pagliacci's with the gorgonzola-pear pizza. That was pretty spectacular.

So, to your proposals:

You know there is little I love more than sharing new (and usually pointless) words with people. You seem to enjoy them, so I'm more than happy to oblige. You rarely need a dictionary when you talk to me (I think...?), so you're already somewhat ahead of the curve! As we previously discussed, the word of the past few days has been "perspicacious". If you want another one on top of that, we'll go with "avocation", which I used in our earlier phone conversation. It essentially means the things you do outside your career, for no pay. Just the stuff you care about, y'know?

Cuddles: I am a big fan of them. I am practically a wind tunnel, that is the kind of fan I am of cuddles.

My hair is kind of ridiculous. I'm glad you like it, but I'll admit that sometimes I get a bit frightened of it. I've been cutting it shorter lately in an attempt to beat it back into submission, but I'm worried that it is resilient to my efforts. I've been keeping it from raw meat (or even vegetables), but I think it's slowly devouring my scalp as recompense. I'm fairly sure it's actually a symbiotic organism that attached itself to me early in life. I think I'm okay with that, too. It gives me personality at least. And you're nothing without quirks, am I right? Eh?

On the topic of hair, yours is much more reasonable and appears less likely to spontaneously stage a revolt and take over your body. It is also really, really amazing when you've just woken up. It defies gravity in some impressive ways. I must find some embarrassing pictures to post of it here sometime.

Anyway, I've responded to all your thoughts, and sadly don't really have any of my own. Perhaps another time. So I shall bid you adieu for now, and return to whatever else it is I am not really doing today.

E3-,
Kelly

July Eighth, 2009

Dear Kelly,

I feel really bad when I go to an Italian restaurant and order either pizza or mac and cheese. Sometimes those two dishes are simply irresistible, however. Besides, most other food in those restaurants involves things like eggplant and mushrooms, which are not okay.
It takes a lot of effort to get a pizza that actually turns out well. I've made it from scratch, and it usually just ends in bitter, spicy Italian tears. In any case, I prefer American pizza to Italian pizza anyway. This may have something to do with my phobia of eating vegetables, set in by my childhood of being raised by a vegetarian mother.

I have a couple proposals for you, while you're reading this.

First, I propose that you share your inhuman vocabulary with me. Someday, I will not need a dictionary to IM with you. I propose that we expand my internal dictionary by assigning one of your favorite words to be a Word of the Day -- you teach me its meaning, and I use it as much as humanly possible over the course of the day. I will have a minimum quota for the number of times I can use this word in my upcoming letter to you... Perhaps I would be required to say this word three to five times in each posting.

Second, I want you to cuddle with me on my couch.

I was looking at a photo of us together in Seattle today, and I have to say that your hair is really quite impressive. My hair would have been better in that photo if I wasn't wearing a hat, but it seemed to go well enough anyway.
But seriously. Your hair is majestic like a killer whale, big and beautiful and with a mind of its own. It could probably eat me if it tried... Do you keep it so lush and curly by feeding it a pound of raw meat every other day?
Actually, that is a lie. Your hair is docile and friendly, and probably an herbivore. Sometimes it seems like it wants to fight you for control of your brain, though, like a killer alien. I have to say, I'm just a little bit jealous of it.

Anyways, that is all on my mind. Also I am out of time to write... my next letter should be longer. I look forward to your reply.

E3-,
Chris